Reflections on Altai’s first birthday
[Read my Privilege Statement]
A year ago our Altaichik was born.
I’ve been emotional and reflecting, and wrote stream of consciousness to get it all out.
The birth: At 32 weeks pregnant I found out our baby was breech. After 6 weeks of trying everything to get him to turn — including underwater handstands and a painful external cephalic version — I accepted that I was going to deliver via C-section. The date was set for Jan 20th. I was really scared. I had never had surgery. I was afraid that he wouldn’t be ready to come out. I was grieving the magical birth I wouldn’t get to have. Little did I know, it’d be magical in its own way. Early on the morning of Jan 12th, on my Dedushka Volodya’s birthday, my water broke. I had a freak out moment, but as we got ready to go to the hospital I felt calm and knew it was all going to be good. At 11:45a I walked into the OR and at 12:12p Altai Marcon Juergens made his entrance into the world as Chariots of Fire played from the speakers. (Altai — pronounced ALL-TIE — means “golden mountain” and is a beautiful region where Russia, Kazakhstan, Mongolia, and China meet. My Dedushka Volodya’s family is from this region — same grandpa who shares a birthday with Altai.) He gave out a big cry and stopped crying as soon as he was placed on my chest. Holy shit, we made a human. Even though I had an overall positive birth experience, I did experience some trauma related to the c-section. For 2 weeks I had weird flashbacks, was unable to look at my incision, and cried any time I talked about it. At the 2 week mark my therapist led me through a guided meditation and offered me a mantra, “I am intact”. That day we planted a tree with the placenta in front of our house. The birth was complete.
The baby: I love babies and so I immediately loved Altai. But it wasn’t immediately an “I’ve never felt this before” kind of love that you hear about. We figured out breastfeeding quickly and he was pretty chill from the start, something we were always nervous to say out loud without knocking on lots of wood. Over the next couple of months we established a rhythm and I found it fascinating to observe him figuring out the world. I felt a huge responsibility, especially because my milk was the only thing nourishing and sustaining him. The first time he smiled at me, my heart exploded and I realized that I loved HIM and that he loved me (not just my milk). The love keeps growing and it’s overwhelming at times. I always imagined early parenthood as cuddling my baby, but Altai didn’t really love to be held for long periods; he liked to be on the move. And I was okay with it. Because seeing his true personality and interests unfold fed me more than a cuddle. He is joy. He is so generous with his smiles. He loves interacting with strangers and is kind of a ham. He’s kinetic, always moving. He loves figuring out things on his own. He has a sly, knowing smirk. He’s good at communicating what he needs. More than anything, he loves Dougie (our curmudgeon dog) and dreams of the day that Dougie will play with him. I feel relieved that he seems so happy to be in this world. And I’m emotional because it’s the sweetest thing and I fear that the world will dim his light.
The self: I feel like the same person. I have the same personality, values, and community (though its grown). I approached parenthood like a human-centered design project: I interviewed a bunch of people about the challenges, what they wish they would’ve done, etc… I designed a system with fail-safes. I felt prepared and I have to say that it’s all been way better than I expected. The first couple months of sleep deprivation were challenging. Once we were sleeping, we just found our new rhythm. My lifestyle hasn’t changed dramatically. I work and I workout and I hang out with friends. Nu and I hang out a lot and also do our own things. Of course we have to communicate a lot more and plan ahead. We are privileged in many ways, and that means that I get to prioritize my wellbeing so that I can show up as the best parent and partner. What’s changed most is the vulnerability I feel. Like I have opened up my heart and poured my body into something so great and it could all just be taken away. Maybe that’s the transformation people talk about?
All in all, it’s been a great year. The highlights include how so many friends and family showed up for us. More than anything I’m so grateful for Nate. For the past year he’s been such a present partner and parent, cooked every meal, made sure I had breakfast every morning, split all the household tasks, volunteered for the hard things, and has made me laugh so much. Altai’s first giggle happened when he saw me and Nate kiss. It’s been a silly and sweet time.
